


Internal Monologue of a Broken Man

by RIPiantojones



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Destiel Becoming Canon On 5 November 2020 (Supernatural), Internal Monologue, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:54:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28082739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RIPiantojones/pseuds/RIPiantojones
Summary: Castiel's love confession in 15x18 as seen by Dean. We all know his reaction left more to be desired whether it was censored or not. This is what I like to believe was going through his mind at the end of the scene.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Cas - Relationship
Kudos: 8





	Internal Monologue of a Broken Man

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” My eyes search Cas’s face, waiting for the punchline. If this is a joke, I don’t find it funny. This isn’t funny.  


“Because it is,” Cas responds with painful finality. My chest aches, I cannot breathe. I’ve been fighting so hard, drowning myself in battle because I’m so damn tired. I fight so hard because I just want it all to be over. I want a moment to sit at the beach, the sun in my eyes, a beer in my hand. But I don’t want to sit there alone. It’s not worth it without him, nothing is. I open my mouth to respond, to plead. I would get on my knees and beg if it would change this ending. My mouth fails me, no sound escapes. I’ve never been the one with the words, I have my fists but no voice no matter how long I try to scream. I cannot find those perfect words, I never can. Hell, I’m not sure there’s anything I can say. No plea I could give that would talk him out of this decision. I know there isn’t when I’m offering my life for his. But that’s because he’s worth it, I’m not. There’s nothing more to say than that. No matter how much Cas thinks otherwise, tries to convince me, I know I’m nothing more than a broken man.  


He’s worth it, I’m not.  


He can’t.  


Not like this.  


Not for me.  


I can’t lose him, not again.  


Because I-  


“I love you.” He beats me to it. And it hurts– because this isn’t fair. We’ve danced around it for years. I had never before let myself say it. Hell, I wouldn’t, couldn’t, even let myself think it. It started as leftover hate from Dad, his bigotry seeping into my blood, I couldn’t shake it even after he died. Then, it became more than just that. I wouldn’t let myself entertain the idea of loving him, of being loved by him, because I was me, Dean Winchester. I wasn’t worth love, Dad made sure I knew and remembered that. I tried with Lisa, but look at how that ended. Letting myself love her reminded me that I wasn’t worth the pain I inflicted on the world. I just end up hurting the people around me. But then, as he says it out loud, something buried deep inside me breaks. I break. I want to scream. It’s like I’ve known all along like it would be stupid to think of anything other than loving him. Inside, I knew that first day when he walked through those barn doors, lights exploding all around but my eyes focused on him. Tousled hair, serious face, I knew instantly and it scared the shit out of me. I knew all along but I also didn’t, all at once. I knew, but I didn’t let myself know it consciously. I feel utterly and completely stupid. I’m so stupid. How could I not love him? How could this, all that I’ve felt for so long, be anything but love. Maybe I didn’t know because love feels so foreign to me. I don’t know. All I know is it hurts, it aches. No. This isn’t fair. Shit, Cas don’t-  


“Don’t do this Cas” Please, for all that is good in the world, and that’s not a lot, don’t do this 

Don’t. Do not. You cannot love me Castiel, because loving Dean Winchester is a death sentence. Do not say that, not now, not when I can’t have you. Don’t say it, not when you mean it. Please, just don’t. Don’t mean it. Take it back, I’m willing him, begging him to just take it back. Just, let’s go out fighting, you and me side by side. Screw the world. Death doesn’t want you, let Billie take me. I can die, I don’t care. I’d die for you in a heartbeat. Don’t say you love me, not when I love you so much it’s going to kill me. I can’t do this without you, knowing now what that ache has been lurking within me. Why I smile so much more when you’re around. Why I gravitate towards your side like it’s where I belong. Why it hurts so much when you’re gone. Why I fight so hard, going to the end of the earth to get you back, anytime you’re taken away from me. I’m tired and I need you. You can’t, don’t love me, just don’t go. Don’t leave me, I can’t be alone again. I can’t make it on my own again, not without you. I won’t survive this. Don’t love me. Don’t leave me. I don’t know how to fight anymore, it’s so hard, and god fucking dammit I love you too. I try to find the words to say it, now before it’s too late and he’s gone. I try once more to put to words my panic, pain, and utter adoration of the literal love of my life standing before me. I just stand there, agape, looking stupid. No words come to my mouth. My gut drops as I hear an unsettling noise behind me, an empty sort of fluid noise. The noise jolts me, painfully, away from his eyes. I turn and my worst fears are confirmed, the impossibly dark essence appears before me. The Empty. To take him away from me. This is real. Cas, I need to save him, somehow. I have to find a way. I always find a way, right? I can’t do this without him, god damn it, I love him. I turn back, locking eyes with Castiel, my angel. I study his face, taking him in for what may be the last time ever. The blue of his eyes has always been my favorite color, now I know why. I see his beauty and it hurts, I love him and he will be gone. I try to speak but Billie breaks through the warding on the door. Neither the universe nor timing had ever learned in my favor, this is no different.  


“Cas,” I start. I look him dead in the eyes, finally knowing what I feel but lost as to what to say. The clock is ticking, I am out of time but if he dies right now, not knowing how much I love him I will never forgive myself. If I don’t tell him how earth-shattering it is that he loves me, the broken shell of a man, I will hate myself. He needs to know that his death will kill me, there is no way to survive it, not this time. All other times, missing him was painful enough, not knowing or saying the truth of what he means to me. Now, it’s all out in the open. Now that he said it, it’s an open wound ready to be infected and kill me painfully. I don’t know how something can hurt this much, how I can ache so completely for him and his touch until he grabs me by the shoulder. His firm grasp upon my shoulder causes me to melt but not in the way I’d like. I’ve never felt so safe with anyone’s touch, I yearn for him. I want him to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I want to breathe him in, memorize his warmth. I want to melt in his touch and hold him tight never letting him go. He’s always been braver than I. I’m the good soldier, never stepping out of line. He rebelled from heaven, he always does what he believes in, I guess that’s been me. No one has ever believed in me before. I’ve always admired his strength, he could be open with who he is, even now. He said he loves me, freely and openly. I’m jealous. I open my mouth to reply, to try to emulate some of his bravery. All I can do is try to fight against the odds, search for the words, let my angel know how much he is loved. Because I do, I love him completely, more than I ever believed it possible for one to love another. He says I changed him. He doesn’t know how much is true of the opposite, how much he changed me. He saved me, literally and figuratively. Without him, I’d never have left hell. I died, I’d died for my little brother's sake, on the bad end of a deal selling my soul. Then came Castiel, my Castiel. I study him, his grasp on my shoulder haunting me with a sense of finality. Ending as it began, his grip of my shoulder leaving me forever changed. His touch is always my downfall. Before him, I had wanted to die young. I was content dying for Sammy, my baby brother. Hell, I was down to die for anyone at any moment because any other life was worth more than I. Maybe I know deep down I just wanted to die. Castiel, beautiful Castiel, made me believe I could make it out. He made me believe I deserved to make it out alive. Maybe I deserve to be saved because someone so ethereal and good thought me worthy enough. He made me feel okay, less alone in this literally God-forsaken world. He was always a moment away, at least for me. I prayed to him and he answered. I could always depend on Cas which is something I can only say the same about myself. Without him, unable to save his life, I know I won’t survive because I don’t want to. I can’t be alone again, not now. I can’t lose him, not knowing what I know now, not when I love him this much. I breathe him in, absorbing his touch. He looks me in the eye, holding my shoulder tenderly, and utters his final words.  


“Goodbye, Dean.” This time, instead of raising me out of hell, his grasp shoves me to the ground out of the way. I watch helplessly as the Empty readies itself to absorb him. My eyes scan the scene before me, flicking back and forth, searching for a way out, searching for something to say. My words do not come out. I watch as he is taken from me, as Billie is taken as well. His plan works but that brings me no joy. My heart aches, I cannot breathe, I can’t fight, I am utterly useless. I can’t describe the ache, the hurt of my helplessness, and just like that, I am alone.  


I breathe heavily, the reality of my aloneness setting in. I search the room with my eyes, willing this all to be some nightmare that I will wake up from. It is not a bad dream, this is real. He is gone and I remain. I’m on the ground, the cold concrete beneath me is the only thing I feel besides a numb feeling of fear and despair. The bruises from being thrown against the wall begin to form beneath my layered clothes. The brick wall is rough against my back but I can’t bring myself to care, let alone move. A dull ache pulses through my body, though it is not from the bruises. This ache is one I know well, having grown accustomed to it. It is the ache of absence, of solitude. I have never felt it so strongly, knowing the company makes the lack thereof hurt ever so more. It has never been so suffocating, I breathe harder forcing oxygen in but it does no good. The stale air flows in and out but it never reaches my lungs, it is meaningless because without him I can’t breathe. I don’t want to breathe, he is my air and he is gone. It sinks in over again, I look around me. The shabby dimly lit room stretches out around me, I am alone. He is gone, stolen by the Empty. It might as well have been me, me who died, me who the Empty consumed. Castiel might be gone, done, dead. But the Empty, it remains. It is within me, eating me alive. I am full to the brim of empty nothingness. The ache of his absence bangs on the door, trying to escape my shell, trying to break me from within. It is harder, more painful to contain than Michael. The nothingness seeps out, oozing out of my pores and consuming my being. I cannot breathe as it engulfs my essence, drowning me in the dull pain. I cannot comprehend this hurt, it feels like it has before when I lost Cas but more. It feels like loss, but now I know why it hurts so much. The pain sears because now I know, I love him, of course. It seems so obvious now but it hurts so much more knowing I had a chance, that we had a chance. Yet, Castiel is gone, and he died not knowing how achingly I loved him, I love him. Love doesn’t go away when one dies, it only turns to excruciating pain. He died not knowing how much I need him. He died, happy, but so sure that more happiness never was allowed for him. He never imagined I could want him, that hurts almost more than the loss of him, almost. Nothing I have ever felt has felt this agonizing, no torture, not even literal hell. Nothing rivals this pain of losing him. It seems that every time I find happiness, every time I have him, it is ripped away. It falls from my grip like sand. I will find a way, some way, to fight for him. Tomorrow will come and I will fight like hell to bring back my Castiel, my angel. But tonight, right now, all I can do is hurt. Something in the back of my head tells me this is really it, the final end, and so I sit there letting the pain drown me. I have to stop the pain. I try to breathe. He is gone. I love him. It hurts. I look at my hand, turning them over before my eyes. How is it I can hurt this much? How is it that I remain and he is gone? This isn’t fair, but when has anything ever been, at least for me? He is good and pure, I am ugly and broken. Damn the world, damn everything, damn god himself, especially him. I want Cas... I need him… I love him.  


I sit speechless, unable to breathe, unable to move, unable to be. Hours pass. I do not speak, sleep, or even think. I simply ache. At one point I open my mouth and hear a heartbreaking cry of anguish. It is not for several moments that I realize it is coming from my mouth, my lungs. It is loud, angry, and full of pain but it is not even a fraction of what fills my veins. I want to break things. I want to do something, anything, but I can’t. All I can do is crumble, here on the floor. I can only feel the pain entirely, the cool floor beneath me, alone in the bunker, without Castiel. I remain there for minutes, hours, days, I do not know. I do not comprehend the passage of time. Menial things such as hunger or thirst do not break through my broken shell. I felt my phone vibrate and instinctively I picked it up. My hand moves without my control, but as I turn over the phone I recognize Sam is calling. The clock on my phone indicates I sat here, hurting, all night. I cannot bring myself out of my pain, out of this trance, enough to answer it. I cannot explain this to Sammy, not yet, not ever. I can’t explain why it hurts every time I lose him, now acknowledged by me and amplifying my suffering so much more. I cannot explain my love for him. I just can’t. So I remain against the brick wall, throwing my phone, allowing it to clatter to the concrete. I bring my calloused hands to my face and the tears flood out to rival Noah's ark. The buzzing does not cease but I can’t hear it. I hold my head to my knees, salty tears burning the corners of my eyes and streaking down my face. Snot falls from my nose, my mouth agape gasping for breath. I cry and I hurt and I scream, all alone, without him. I am alone. He is gone.  


“I love you, too” I croak, the whisper barely audible in the deafening quiet surrounding me. But it is too late.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I haven't written anything in ages, so this felt really good. I am saddened with how the CW dealt with the ending but writing makes me feel like I have power. I'm finally going to get back into fanfic, I haven't written since 2017 on ~shudders~ Wattpad. Hope you guys enjoy this!


End file.
